Alien Menaces and other Blaggards

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Despite its overwhelming benevolence and civilising influence, The British Space Empire has attracted a wide variety of enemies of varying degrees of sanity. The Ghast and the Edenites have lately been joined The Yull. Our sister site Smithileaks recently stole a ministerial laptop went behind enemy lines to bring you the goods

Ministerial briefing

Skytroopers of Eden

The elite wing of the Edenite military, these brutish veteran types have served long enough to be allowed to vote for whoever is currently telling them what to do. They are noted for their armoured suits and jetpacks, which give them the look of colossal, steel-covered bouncing toddlers, and their approach to morals and citizenship, which revolves around hating sissies.

It is suspected that New Eden has access to Ghast biotechnology, and that the skytroopers have been doctored with avian DNA in a futile attempt to make them less dense. These techniques are clearly primitive, and we have heard of several incidents of such twisted science malfunctioning, causing the trooper to tar and feather himself.

Praetorians

These ugly devils are the engineered soldier-caste of the Ghast Empire, and are larger and fiercer than their smaller, more-disposable counterparts. In terms of witless thuggery and stupid obedience, the praetorian has the edge on the drone, which it will often requisition for menial tasks, mine-clearance and breakfast.

These vicious animals will usually fight to the death, often with support from biotanks and artillery. The praetorian is one of the most ferocious specimens in the galaxy, and if given a suitably terminal dressing-down, can be mounted as an excellent hat-stand.

The Yull

- See main article: The Lemming Men of Yull

The Yull are man-sized, allegedly intelligent beings descended from something very much like a lemming. The lemming men follow a strict martial code that requires its adherents to embrace death, especially if at the top of a long drop.

The war-god of the lemming men has declared that only one species shall rule the galaxy, and to everybody's surprise it has picked the lemming men to do it. The Yull regard all other sentient beings as cowardly, and believe that their Divine Migration will bring them limitless territory and sacrifices for their savage deity. Considering all other lifeforms to be worthless insects, they have formed a somewhat illogical alliance with the worthless insects of the Ghast Empire.

The average Yull is a vicious, irascible lunatic with absolutely no interest in his own safety, whose depraved outlook ranges from frenzied rage to raging frenzy. When not grovelling before his masters he is usually to be found sharpening his axe or running screaming at either an enemy or a cliff. The Yull are not to be underestimated, as several of our planets have already found out. Stern measures need to be taken: the Deepspace Operations Group has been informed.

Colonel Mimco Vock

Like most officers in the lemming army, Colonel Mimco Vock is pompous, neurotic, self-obsessed, evil and malodorous. After the hearts of several of his superiors mysteriously fell out, he has risen swiftly though the chain of command, missing no opportunity to order his troops straight into the enemy guns. Intelligence reports suggest that Colonel Vock also enjoys painting self-portraits and looking at pictures of badgers.

Recent events have cast serious doubts over Vock's career prospects. Having dishonoured himself at the Battle of the River Tam, it is likely that Vock may be in line for the high jump - literally.