Dictators, tinpot

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Unfortunately, space is cursed with many weird cults and tinpot dictators. Entire populations do occasionally just go a bit mental suffer extraordinary popular delusions, and throw themselves at the mercy of incompetent lunatics. This can occur when a planet wilfully severs its ties with the rest of the galaxy, or for no clear reason decides to put a violent simpleton in charge. The British Space Empire is of course opposed to such retrograde activity and seeks to bring such unfortunates back to the light of civilisation by conquering them and taking their stuff.

Lord Morbidus of Misrablis Prime (or "Earth")

Morbidus, the ruler of Misrablis Prime, was originally a Deputy Grand Behemoth of the Edenite church, and hence connected to sanity by a very thin thread. However, in 2463, he put on a gigantic hat, declared that the other Edenites were all heretics and proclaimed himself to be a god. To cement his rule, Morbidus rewrote the calendar to make himself practially immortal (thirty-five thousand years old, to be precise), and renamed Misrablis Prime as “Earth”. The Space Empire sent warships to restore order, but Morbidus simply claimed that they were his own vessels and the shelling of his major spaceports was a kindly gesture to help his citizens get to paradise all the quicker.

Finally, the Empire invaded. Faced with certain death or a reasonable life drinking tea, most of Morbidus’ army rebelled against him. His personal guards were overcome with EMP shells, and Morbidus was pushed off the throne. Because his throne was extremely large, the fall from power proved fatal.

The Criminarch of Radishia

Of all dictators, the Criminarch of Radishia can perhaps claim to be the tackiest. This bizarre, conflicted man lives in a huge gilt palace that rises a hundred feet above the squalid slums of his people. A coarse, vicious and ruthless thug, the Criminarch appears obsessed with his own manliness, and a combination of sinew-splicing and genetic manipulation has left him gigantic, covered in muscle and the approximate colour of a carrot. Predictably, he has allied with the Ghast Empire, on the grounds that the Ghasts are strong and fierce, like real men. Real men who are actually giant ants, to be precise.

The Criminarch is famed for his displays of violent masculinity: in particular, for the brutal gladiatorial games that he throws for the entertainment of his serfs. Here, topless and anointed with baby oil, the Criminarch watches men in leather underpants wrestling for days on end, content in the knowledge that he has nothing to hide.

The Litigants of Prolix

The Litigants of Prolix are a weird cult entirely reasonable faith group who regard the bringing of legal action as their sacred duty. The Litigants were founded by an underachieving charlatan perfectly normal man flawless genius and total deity known as the Lawmaker who, following an injunction from Heaven, instructed his minions to join him and pay huge fees for the privilege. They can be distinguished by their briefcases, sharp suits and heavy briefs.

Some years ago, the Lawmaker died in an orgy was taken to paradise on the wings of angels and his son, Elwood the Vexatious, took over the running of the scam organisation. He has commissioned a fleet of converted cargo ships, with which he intends to fly to the end of the universe and subpoena God. Despite the Litigants presenting themselves as slick and happy, rumours persist of minions chained to photocopiers and being forced to repeatedly bail themselves out on behalf of their wealthy masters[1]

Notes

  1. These rumours are unproven. The Litigants of Prolix are an entirely reasonable and sensible religion and not dubious in any way shape or form. The court made us write this.